‘How Do I Find a Real Dom/Domme?’ – The Age Old Question

How can I find a real Dom/Domme?” is one of the most common questions I get asked. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked I would have at least $230.

I get it – You’ve finally accepted your submissive desires. Maybe you’ve spent many years denying them. Now that you’re finally ready to give yourself permission to make them real, the need to find someone to whom to submit can feel intense and overwhelming.

But you’ve also heard the warnings: there are unhealthy men and women out there. Maybe you’ve tried submitting to a few and have had bad experiences.

Where do you look for the real thing? And how do you know it when you find it?

The Dom/Domme Is An Archetype And There Are Real Humans Underneath

The very first thing you need to understand to better your chances of finding a Dom/Domme is that there is no such animal as a ‘Real Dom/Domme’. Let go of this line of thinking out right now.

To me the ‘Dom/Domme’ is an archetype. Archetypes are patterns of behaviour that aid and influence our mental, emotional, and spiritual growth as human beings. You can think of an archetype as quite literally a type of energy.

Like everything in life there are species, genres, breeds, and groups that tend to structure existence. An archetype is a quality or essence that forms the underlying framework of consensus reality. It’s a representation of an idea and as is often an ideal. Keyword here – representation.

Bring it back to its base – there are only people who want to dominate, and they are people. They are regular human beings with moods, quirks, failings, insecurities, and finite amounts of time, energy and attention. These regular human beings can’t read your mind to know your needs without being told. They make mistakes and aren’t perfect. They have problems and responsibilities outside of kink. Just like everybody else.

When you mythologise people who dominate as superhuman beasts, it both encourages you to set your standards unrealistically high and may also lead you to put too much faith in someone way too fast simply because they’ve advertised themselves as being “a Dom/Domme.”

Manage Your Expectations

Take a moment to examine your expectations for the Dom/Dominant you’re seeking. Is your image of them wearing thigh-high latex boots and a corset or a perfectly fitted, black suit? What about when they take those off and want to relax in their most comfortable stained t-shirt? Does your fantasy Dom/Domme have exactly the same kinks as you do, and know exactly how to push all of your deepest, most secret submissive buttons… without you having to come out and tell them what those buttons are?

People who dominate need space to be full human beings with a full range of needs and emotions, not just exist as two-dimensional archetypical representations from your fantasies. And they have a wide range of desires, abilities, and styles that all fit under the broad category of “Dominance.” One person likes to dominate and what they do is full of rigid structure and elaborate rules. Another person likes to dominate and what they do is unpredictable, brutal degradation and humiliation. One wants to be a benevolent leader and one wants to be a savage tyrant.

If you would like to know how to recognise a real Dom/Domme are you hoping to be able to meet a someone through the Internet, check their ‘Real Dominant’ label, and immediately know that they are skilled, wise, respectful and safe to play with? It doesn’t work that way.

Wanting to dominate doesn’t make anyone automatically competent or trustworthy, and it doesn’t change the way that you should interact with them. No one should get to treat you any differently to the way other strangers treat you simply because they are a Dom/Domme, and you need to apply the same kind of good judgment to get to know them as you do with everybody else.

Please remember three things:

1. No one gets to Dominate you, push you around, touch you, or have any other extra authority over you until you decide you want them to. (N.B. It’s your responsibility to clearly let them know when you have withdrawn your consent and your desire to be under their authority).

2. Someone who wants to dominate without any ‘normal’ communication is probably not going to be a good Dom/Domme for you.

3. Power exchange should feel good for you. You’re there to serve, obey and/or please your partner, but at the end of the day, it should always be in a way that fulfills your submissive needs and leaves you feeling better than you did before.

Know Yourself

Since people who like to dominate are all human and all different, your real challenge isn’t to separate the healthy ones from the unhealthy ones, it’s to find the ones whose individuality is a good fit for your personality, needs, and desires. To do that, you first have to have a clear idea of what it is you’re looking for in submission, and what you have to offer to a dominant partner. A lot of submissives don’t realise that it’s not a 1-way street here and failing to offer something of substance back may see you getting 1 or 2 playdates, but not much more than that from a Dominant with self-respect.

What do you want when you submit? The more clear and detailed an answer you can give to that question, the better you’ll be able to recognise the right Dom/Domme for you when they appear. People who are ready to dominate you without first understanding how your submission works will tend not to be the most competent at Dominance. People who are generally better at Dominance will ask you to describe what submission means for you and what you want to get out of it, and will want you to be able to give a better answer than, “I want to submit,” or, “I just want whatever you want.”

One powerful way to help clarify what you want and what you have to offer is to write a letter to your hypothetical future Dominant. Pretend you’re already in submission to a wonderful Dominant partner, and write to them about all the things you most appreciate about them. Write about the things you’re most excited to be able to offer them.

Putting your thoughts into writing forces you to put them in order, and to fill in all the gaps that are so easy to gloss over when you’re just daydreaming. Writing as though you were writing to your Dominant partner will help you visualise what kind of person you’re looking for, and what kind of connection/dynamic would work for you.

When you’re thinking about what you have to offer a partner, think bigger than just sex and kink (unless you are just looking for a play session Dominant). A competent and experienced Dominant partner probably has no lack of willing genitals to play with or asses to spank. What’s going to set you apart and catch their interest are ways in which you are a good partner or an interesting person. Can you offer patience, good communication skills, or emotional maturity? Do you have useful skills to offer? Are you creative, organised or fun at parties?

None of us are good at everything, and you don’t have to try to be all things to all people. By recognising where your strengths and your value lie, you’ll be able to keep our eye out for potential partners who value those things.

Get to Know Kinky People

Armed with knowledge of yourself and what kind of power exchange you’re seeking, you’re ready to productively search for the right Dominant for you. To find and connect with a person who will be a perfect fit for Dominating you, your best approach is to get to know some kinky people as people. This takes time and patience, but it gives you the best odds in the long run.

When you try to find a Dominant solely by posting personal ads, or by going to meat-market dating events and trying to pick up a partner right away, you tend to run into one of two problems. Some submissives get swamped by too many offers from people who are not the right Dominant for them. The rest get no offers at all. While the two problems look opposite, they have a common cause: lack of personal connection.

When all that people know about you is that you are looking for “a Dominant” then all the responses you get will be from people who just want “a submissive,” and who don’t particularly care who that submissive is. So look for opportunities to connect with other kinky people more deeply. If you’re looking in person, you can seek out munches and discussion groups – places where people talk more than play. If you’re looking online, you can look for discussion groups where people have real conversations, ideally about things other than kink.

Then stick around a while. Your goal isn’t to immediately find a Dominant, and you need to not get disappointed if that doesn’t happen right away. Your goal is to make friends and build community – to become more than just a list of kinks. So talk to everybody who seems friendly, not just the people you think are hot. Look to connect with people who you think are interesting, fun to hang out with, or with whom you have things in common. Once you’ve made a few human connections, more tend to follow. Friends introduce you to other friends.

If you were previously in the position of having no one pay any attention to you, having connections with kinky friends humanises you to potential Dominant partners. You’re not just another random person begging for their attention, you’re a member of the community. They can casually interact with you in the context of the group and get a sense of you as a person. They can hear your friends tell funny stories about you and talk about how great you are.

If going to events, etc is a hard limit for you, then be forthcoming when speaking with people via online dating/real-life dating about your desires and needs and don’t be shy of speaking with a potential play partner over the phone. Texting lacks depth and nuance.

If you find someone who you connect with but has no kink experience, then send them to me – I’ll coach them!

Some Specific Questions You Can Ask A Potential Dom/Dominant

Here is a short-list of kink and non-kink questions I believe help uncover the personality traits to look out for behind your potential Dom/Domme:

1. A Day With You – What is a day like with you in role and what is a day like with you out of role?

2. A Difficult Scene – What is the most difficult scene you have ever done and why, and what did you learn from it? “I have never had one” is very likely bullshit. Every Dom/Domme has had at least one and should be open about it.

3.. Safety Philosophy – Could you elaborate on your interpretation of “Safe, Sane and Consensual”, “Risk Aware Consensual Kink?” Which one do you follow? Or do you follow something else when it comes to being responsible for safety… yours and mine?

4. Aftercare – Could you explain how you perform ‘aftercare’? Or why you don’t? Once again this should be lengthy and include that it is person-specific as no two people need the exact same aftercare.

5. Cues – What are the ‘cues’ you look out for in a scene? How do you know how to progress in a scene i.e. in intensity, tools to change to and rest periods between? Will I get water? If bound will I be unbound during a rest period?

6. It’s My Decision – Are you willing to accept that I am not your submissive until ” I ” make the decision to be such a person to you or when ” I ” decide to ask you if I could be such a person for you, and that ” I ” will not be acting or being a submissive until I feel comfortable in doing so, before that decision to serve, obey or please you is made by ‘me’? And I choose to do that – how does that sit with you?

7. Safewords – Do you use safewords? If so…what ones do you like to use? When are they allowed? How do you like them expressed to you? Do you always allow them? Will you always respect them? Do you use non-verbal safewords as well?

8. Health Issues – How do you handle those with health issues? Give me some examples?

9. Won’t Do – What won’t you do? What are your soft and hard limits?

10. Your Future Scenes – What do you want to do to a submissive that you haven’t yet done?

11. Peeves – What are your pet peeves about a person? How do you manage them if you choose to continue to play with them?

12. Food and Drink – How do you initiate replenishing of a submissive under your control during play?

13. Dynamic Types – Are you wanting a D/s, M/s, ddlg or another type of dynamic? Are you open to different dynamics or is there just one dynamic you are wanting? Do you want a bedroom submissive or do you want to control aspects of a submissive’s life outside of the bedroom?

14. Orchestration – How do you orchestrate a scene from start to finish?

15. Safe Calls – Do you know what a safe call is? Do you welcome a safe call during our playdates? (A safe-call is a friend of yours who knows where you are, who you are with and all other relevant details about your play session, and you communicate with about your safety before and during your play date. They are instructed to take appropriate steps in case your negotiated communication with them is not met in a timely manner)

16. Types of Play – What types of play do you enjoy and want to experience more of? (for eg, bondage, impact etc.)

The more questions the better – but find the right balance. Encourage the potential Dom/Domme to ask you questions and be ready to answer openly and honestly, with an emphasis on detail when needed.

Humans First, Archetypes Second

That’s the plan for finding your ideal Dominant. It isn’t complicated. It really boils down to “Aim to connect as human beings first, and kinky partners follow after.”

It also isn’t instant or guaranteed, but in the long run, it will give you much better odds than continuing to look for a cardboard-cutout of your fantasy Dominant.

If you let go of stereotypes about what a ‘Real’ Dom/Domme should be like, get a clear understanding of our own individual submissive needs, and make genuine connections with others who love power exchange, you have the best shot at meeting and connecting with another unique, flawed, intriguing human being whose individual personality and desires for power exchange are a good complement to your own.

Happy hunting.

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