Dom/sub relationship dynamics – tips for new dominants

dom/sub relationship dynamicsBeing a dominant comes with a lot of responsibility and there is a lot to work out and process of creating and maintaining a healthy and fun dom/sub relationship dynamics.

Explore your partner and yourself to create the best dom/sub relationship dynamics

Each relationship/connection is unique – so its really working out what works for you both. It’s important to let go of any past experiences/expectations and be completely present and take into consideration exactly who the person that is in your life is. The process of discovery in a relationship is fun – embrace it!

In the spirit of this exploration, be clear about what you are trying on to see if it fits, versus what you are actually going to be doing. As an example, maybe one week you decide that you’re going to have your submissive kneel when you come in the door. Great. Do that for a week, and then check in out about how it is going. Do you both find it hot, or get some positive emotion out of it? Cool, then it’s something to keep doing. Does it only work a little? Well, then maybe figure out if you can tweak it in some way. Does it not do anything for you? That’s great to know. Now you don’t have to do that anymore.

Don’t take on more than you are actually capable of doing and keeping track of. You can’t “try on” twenty or more activities. You won’t remember most of them.

Once you do decide a ritual or protocol is important to you, then stick with it. Consistency is extremely important as they start to form the basis of your bids of connection (click the link for more info on bids of connection as they are important in relationships). As the Dom, if you don’t consistently pay attention to and ensure the rituals and protocols happen, then you are sending the message to your submissive that they are unimportant or that you don’t care. This can be quite hurtful. As the sub, if you don’t consistently do the ritual and protocols, then you are sending the message to your Dominant that they are unimportant or that you don’t care. See, it works both ways.

How to handle it if it’s not going so well

If it turns out that you no longer care about a particular behavior/ritual/protocol, then don’t just let it gradually trickle off. That sends the wrong message. Instead, discuss it together as part of your regular check-in time. If you jointly decide it no longer has value, then retire it. (But do be sure to thank your submissive for their past contribution.)

When expected behaviors don’t happen, it’s very important to take time to understand why. Don’t jump to punishments, even if you have a punishment dynamic. Instead, talk about why it didn’t happen. Was it not clearly defined? is it not practical given your real day-to-day lives? Did it not provide any actual benefit? Did neither person care about it? Is there a relationship issue, disagreement, or resentment going on? Until you understand the root cause, any action you take could backfire – especially if its in the form of punishment. If neither person cared about it anymore, there’s no point to punishment. Be glad you discovered that, and focus on the rituals and protocols that do matter.

If you have a punishment dynamic, then work with your submissive on the punishment. A happy submissive will generally want to be corrected, and will gladly take a punishment. If the submissive doesn’t want the punishment, then there is probably something else going on, such as resentment or an unsurfaced disagreement, and you must go back to understanding the root cause.

Ensure that you have some process for speaking as equals. Some people do this daily, some do it weekly, some have a special location in the house. In my opinion, there must be a way for dominant and submissive to talk as two equal partners in the relationship as you are humans and individuals first, and the dynamic is second.

To learn how to incorporate dom/sub relationships into your life or relationship – contact me to get started

Play safe and have fun.

 

 

 

Leave a Reply