These are just my own observations and experiences – if you disagree, so be it. What you are about to read obviously isn’t true for everyone, everyone experiences the dynamic differently and I’m not suggesting that every Alpha personality woman out there longs to be submissive. Also, I’m sure men/all genders/sexualities etc, can be Alpha submissives too, but for the sake of this writing, I’m referring to Alpha submissive women as they are the people Ive most engaged with on an intimate/relationship/play level.
The spectrum of submissive types makes kink and power exchange dynamics brilliant things to explore, and while, I have a particular soft-spot for Alpha-personality submissive women, they are not the only type I enjoy – either professionally or privately.
Now that’s out of the way, let us dive in.
What Is An Alpha Submissive & Are You An Alpha Submissive?
In my experience, Alpha females and Female sexual submissives are often two sides of the same strong woman: one public side, one private side.
Quite often outside of the D/s relationship she is a powerhouse unto herself.
I have discovered that many women who are Alpha Females professionally by day (Executives, Doctors, Lawyers, Entrepreneurs, ‘Boss Bitches’, Supermoms, etc – and even Dominatrixes) often crave the escape to be sexually submissive in the bedroom with no control and decision making (once negotiations have taken place and safewords still able to be called of course!).
She expects respect, she expects things to be done a certain way. She expects that she will intimidate men of all types. She knows how to work a crowd, she knows how to be the centre of attention. This woman is as comfortable being the leader of an organisation as she is at handing the reins over to someone else who she feels is worthy of being her protégé. The Alpha Sub woman is very close to being a perfectionist in everything that she does and expects others to follow her example. What she gives, she gives freely.
I’ve experienced quite a few over my lifetime.
Each of those women is fiercely independent, intelligent in their own way, and driven in what they do. It’s the type of woman that many Dom’s I’ve known simply don’t have the patience to engage with and peel through their layers and see what’s underneath.
Each of those women that I have had the privilege to Dom for had survived a hell of a lot, with the scars and, sometimes, the walls to show for it. They didn’t suffer anyone’s bullshit, because they had things to do and goals to accomplish. If you couldn’t keep up, you got left behind. The other side of this is that some of them go so ‘fast’ and do so much that they don’t allow any space for a man/Dom to exist in their lives while claiming that men can’t ‘keep up’ – but that’s for another blog post.
Not All Alpha Females Are Submissive
To be clear, I am NOT saying that ALL Alpha females are also submissives or crave to bottom in the bedroom.
I am saying there seems to be a specific psychological profile that makes Alpha submissive a common archetype among women. They are in the vanilla society’s view, for the most part, a contradiction – successful, strong, independent women publicly who crave to be highly sexually submissive privately and within their relationship dynamic.
I describe them as a contradiction because most people view them as a confusing persona/sexual contradiction that they cannot comprehend or decipher. In reality, they are Alpha females/submissive or Alpha submissives – submissive to (usually) only one Alpha male while naturally (to them) attempting to dominate all other others (and more often than not, other women included!).
Alpha Females are by nature an incredible package of qualities and abilities: Self-confidence, Intelligence, Success, and Style. Sometimes wealthy, sometimes not but ultimately, it’s more in their attitude and the way they carry themselves than their bank account. Most men cannot handle being with a woman like that. They either feel inadequate as men or they feel uncomfortable rarely being the centre of attention in a crowded room when their partner is by their side. It takes real confidence as a man stemming from a solid sense of self to engage an Alpha female, let alone an Alpha submissive.
It is also why these Alpha submissives can (generally) only be attracted to strong, powerful, confident Alpha males. Meek men do not attract them. Often submissive men misinterpret the public Alpha female persona as these Alpha submissive females’ sexual persona. Some submissive men misread these women thus wanting these Alpha submissives to dominate them sexually in private – complete sexual incompatibility. A strong decisive, confident man truly arouses their senses. An Alpha submissive can only submit (again, generally) to a man she feels is even more confident and Dominant than her public persona – respect and trust are key requirements.
What confuses most vanilla men is there is a contradiction in behaviour that these women want from their male partners: Gentleman in the streets, Demon in the sheets. Men are quite simple creatures really – especially the ones that haven’t taken time to understand and integrate the complexities of female nature. Most men think if women want a polite, considerate gentleman in public, they must want a polite, considerate gentleman in the bedroom too.
Secondly, modern life has robbed many men of their natural baser instincts. Being a good husband/father by the dominant culture of society’s and many women’s standards has turned many men into minivan-driving, cargo shorts-wearing, passive, wage-slave drones of suburbia. (That being said, some men are just not naturally sexually and psychologically confident/dominant and have no natural desire to be ‘that’, let alone understand it and how it relates to certain types of women).
Often I see women turning their men into the more passive kind of man, who are then surprised when they have lost attraction to them as the relationship progressed — be careful what you wish for, as some men, out of an act of devotion and love, will become what you declare you want them to be (but maybe it’s not what you need them to be?).
Unsurprisingly, for an Alpha submissive to find a man who is very self-confident and encouraging/supporting of her career while being sexually Dominant in the bedroom is no simple task as many have either been shaped by past relationships and/or society.
Why Some Alphas Females Desire Submission
The one thing that tends to confuse most people about BDSM and Dominant/submissive relationships is the archetype of the Alpha submissive.
Many would agree that an alpha female exudes confidence, is strong-willed, highly ambitious, highly opinionated, tends to dominate most interactions (social and business), and is not easily swayed by others.
Due to these kinds of characteristics, many alphas thrive off challenging environments and can be found within high positions of power in business. Even within their home and social life, they tend to naturally have control over most situations. It is just natural instinct for them to be dominant in almost every aspect of their life while others it’s a coping mechanism – but that’s for another blog post.
Yet there is a large population within alpha personalities, i.e the Alpha submissive, who have as strong a desire to submit as they do to lead.
Many women are submissive by choice or by natural yearning. Alpha submissives crave to relinquish control to a strong, confident Dom by nature as part of their need for mental and sexual escape from their everyday in-control persona. Not being in control is a relief from constant decision-making/being in charge during their busy, stressful daily lives. I believe most people don’t understand that submission is partially an act of escapism from their own public personas. More on all this later.
For many people, it is extremely hard to wrap their minds around why or how a naturally born leader (irrespective of gender) could have completely conflicting desires. Even many Alpha submissives have a hard time reconciling the different natural desires and feel there must be something wrong with them.
If you are an alpha submissive reading this know there is nothing wrong with you and you will find there are far more submissives who are alphas than you would ever think.
For Dominants who find themselves having a difficult time engaging an alpha submissive, understanding why they want to submit might better help you to tailor your Domination to match their submission.
5 Reasons Why An Alpha Submissive, Submits.
1. The Challenge:
Alphas have a natural instinct to always be looking for the next challenge. To always find a way to push themselves. Is there anything more challenging than being pushed by a mentor to achieve something beyond what you previously thought possible, to better understand and learn what you are truly capable of despite what all the doubters say, to prove everyone wrong in the face of adversity?
When you spend your whole life in the lead, it is inspiring to find someone who can match you and has even surpassed you in most aspects of life. To meet someone who you can look up to and motivate you to become better than you are is inspiring.
Domination for the most part, and especially within a D/s relationship, is about inspiring and fostering growth and in many cases, an alpha will find a natural desire to submit to an individual that inspires them and fosters growth in their life.
3. Over Active Mind:
Alphas (of all genders) have an extremely difficult time turning off an overactive mind or some might say ‘the noise’. They are constantly thinking, planning, contemplating, worrying, problem-solving, analysing, and controlling. Always controlling. Just being able to quiet the mind long enough to fall asleep after an extremely exhausting day can be a difficult task for many alphas.
Being able to find peace from your surroundings is challenging enough, but being able to find a moment’s peace from the constant conflict within the mind can be absolute heaven for anybody let alone the alpha. Submission for the Alpha submissive is a time where their mind can finally let go and for all their noise to become quiet.
3. Always In Control:
For many alphas, they must be in absolute and constant control of themselves and their environment, including anyone in it. This constant need to always be in control of everything is an exhausting venture for anyone — I included (and this is why I don’t want a 24/7 Total Power Exchange dynamic in my personal life). Excessive use of energy to control all elements of life can be overwhelming.
Quieting the mind and letting go of control tend to go hand in hand for the Alpha submissive. When the Alpha submissive finally lets go of the tight grip they hold on the world and hand that control over to another can the Alpha submissive finally let go – to truly be at peace within one’s self and to be free from everything.
4. Mental Exhaustion:
Many studies have recently concluded that all people only have a limited amount of mental resources in a day and thereby this limits the number of decisions that can be made in that day. What this means is even the most ambitious, motivated and in control Alpha can become completely and totally exhausted from constantly having to make too many difficult and complex decisions.
After making too many decisions and over-exerting the brain, the mind can no longer continue to function effectively at such a pace. Even making simple decisions like what Netflix show to watch or what to make for dinner can be too much to process. In fact, what many people would consider being the funniest and easist decisions to make can actually become the most difficult after an overly difficult day. As so often is said “no more adulting today” is a perfect way to describe mental exhaustion.
Side note: exhaustion affects Doms too times. One of my favourite sayings to let my subs know that I need a break from being in Dom-mode or that I’m not feeling up to playing is: ‘I can’t brain anymore/today, I’ve got the dumb’. Netflix and actual chill with loads of snuggling is just as fulfilling as full-tilt D/s play and dynamic— especially when I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
5. Giving Up Control Is What Some Alpha’s Need
For some alphas the overactive mind that they can’t seem to shut off, the stress and pressure of making important decisions can lead to one predicament – exhaustion. For the alpha to be able to recharge their mental, and physical batteries they need an escape from everything.
They need someone to take them away from that constant state of always being on and in charge. Of being the one everybody else relies on and counts on to do what is necessary. They need a break where they can put everything down and finally hand all control and decision-making to someone else – in a submissive’s case, their Dominant.
At that moment they will never be any freer. Peace, acceptance, and joy will replace their tense stress-filled life. All they will ever have to do is listen, follow, and experience, no more, no less. This state of being will force them to live purely in that moment of bliss. A complete break from everything, allowing them to finally let go and just Be!
Not only do some Alpha submissives desire a stronger Alpha Dominant to take charge at certain points in their life, for some it is an absolute necessity to continue to be able to function at such a high-level Alpha in their everyday life. It is these moments and experiences that give them the rest and so they have the strength to continue to ADULT every day.
For The Dom’s – How To Spot An Alpha Submissive
One of the most consistent ways I have found to identify Alpha submissive females in public or on a date is they often say; “I intimidate most men I meet”. To confirm my initial suspicions, I often make a bold flirtatious statement during our conversation and then gauge her reaction to a statement delivered in a light and fun way such as. “Even good girls need to be tied up and experience a spanking on occasion”. If it’s ‘there’, her inner, lust-fueled submissive will naturally reveal itself. By being bold and seizing what you desire sexually in private from this kind of Alpha female, it is an often sure-fire recipe of bringing out her sexually submissive, alter ego.
These women don’t function or necessarily respond to “typical” (and I use that term loosely) D/s activity. For example, ordering her to be silent does NOT reinforce submissiveness in her mind. No, it just pisses her off, a lot. Instead, for example, I implore you to engage and debate; and if you are right, force her to admit it and watch her body language shift into a more submissive space and she will naturally be silent at that moment. BUT, BE CAREFUL as some women (and people in general) can’t handle their ego being rocked this way.
It’s adorable listening to an Alpha submissive trying to get around admitting she’s wrong. And if she’s right, I smile and agree – because I welcome a conversation that fosters my growth.
I recently had a very headstrong, Alpha female (who is submissive in the bedroom) communicate something to me about how I conducted myself in the areas that cross over into her life (Note: We are not in a D/s dynamic but have played before). We spoke about it, heard each other out with full respect, and I thanked her for speaking up about what she felt as it gave me a different perspective – and I welcome that cos my ego can handle it. Can yours? And if not, do you want to work on it so you can?
Something to note: Many Alpha submissives don’t even identify with being a submissive. They will often say things like “I don’t see myself as a submissive’ while also saying ‘I only will submit to my man. They’ll need to truly ‘see’ me and support my growth’ or ‘XYZ makes me happy and makes me want to be your good girl.” If you hear anything along those lines, you now know what force you are reckoning with.
For The Dom’s – How To Engage An Alpha Submissive & Alpha Submissives Needs In Respect To Their Dom
First off, don’t dismiss Alpha submissives as not truly being submissive in the pure sense of the word – especially for those Alpha submissives that will only submit in a proper relationship of some kind. For many Alpha submissives the desire and need to submit can burn even brighter than most.
When the Alpha Sub contacts her Dom she does so for a variety of reasons. Often when she contacts her Dom it is because she needs something. Although she can stand on her own two feet perfectly well, she may have a hard time admitting that, at times, she needs her Dom. It’s usually not easy for her to show her emotions or any vulnerability. Often, if an Alpha submissive feels threatened, she is like a clam and closes up so tight and her Dom is nearly back at square one with her until she feels comfortable enough to let him back in and work with him to support her life and issues.
The needs of an Alpha submissive are complex and so much more than any other sub. Hence the rewards of the Dom are so much sweeter because of the fact that he has chosen to engage an Alpha submissive, who by all accounts is not a woman who is easily satisfied or impressed.
It takes more than a criminal record, neck tattoos, and a sculpted physique to hold the attention of an Alpha submissive and turn that into attraction. If you find the type of woman who only screens a man just on their physicality and machismo, in my opinion, move on as any self-respecting Dom that I know wouldn’t want to engage this type of woman for more than a once-off playdate/pure fuck-buddy type situation and especially in an on-going D/s dynamic/relationship.
A skilled, self-respecting, emotionally and psychologically intelligent Dom has a lot to offer – far more than an average man, and wouldn’t give all of that in a dynamic based on solely the superficial. Let them go and play with the buff gym bro’s as, in my opinion, it won’t make for anything ‘interesting’ in an ongoing dynamic compared to an Alpha submissive who is wanting something of substance beyond the physical – but each to their own. Your life is shaped by the choices you make and the types of people you engage with.
One key take-away point I want you to come away with regarding this type of submissive is that you need to be an equal force or greater — at the very least psychologically and energetically. I’ve had many conversations with many different kinds of people in different dynamics over the years. I’ve met far too many Doms who think they are entitled to their partner’s submission, who think they can somehow force it. And perhaps you can with a partner that wants to be ‘broken’ or simply ‘taken’; but an Alpha submissive won’t let you do that. She’ll only submit to you when she knows you bring just as much or more to the table than she does at least on the psychological, energetic and emotional level, and knows you respect and adore those facets of her that society has long tried to convince her aren’t “lady-like.” And you will not find a more loyal or eager to please submissive if she sees you that way.
Doms, if you think you have found an Alpha submissive but she isn’t quick to submit sexually to you, hang in there. Rest assured, she wants to please her partner. She wants to submit — in time. She needs to know that you are worthy of all of her, she needs to know that you are not going to waver in your conviction in a D/s relationship with her — as much as I would hope that you ensure she is worthy of your leadership, skill, time and focus. It will be an effort on both parts, but once you have that deep understanding and knowledge of each other, she will not want or need any other Dom. Be patient with her (to a degree, as it’s a fine line that you need to work out for yourself). And most importantly, be prepared for her as to when and if she decides to give, she will give everything that she can.
The Alpha submissive, when she finds and develops the understanding and trust with her Dom, will fight off anyone who threatens her Dom. She will depend on him in healthy ways, she will open up to him and she will do anything that he wishes of her – that is within her power and her hard limits. But take away her confidence in the relationship, or take away her need for open honest communication, and she will start questioning herself and her worth.
To The Alpha Submissives:
I suspect that you have experienced many vanilla males wanting you to dominate them sexually and many Doms tell you that you are not really submissive because of your strong, confident energy that won’t be intimidated by mere machismo. Neither of these groups of men recognise you as a contradiction of two polar-opposite personas in one woman. If you find one and he is a good match for you except for this area, send them to me for coaching – I enjoy coaching them, helping them understand submissive women and do whatever I can to help you both foster a healthy dynamic.
The truth is, a lot of Doms do not know how to handle an Alpha submissive while others feel intimidated and/or you are too much work – and they have the right not to want to engage you for whatever reason they see fit. If they don’t, it is their loss, right?
These Doms just don’t realise that with certain subs (especially subs who have to a lot to offer outside of the bedroom) when they put the time and effort in, they will potentially have a strong sub, capable of just about anything, and you will want to be his, and just his, probably for life.
Finally, after reading this long post (and kudos for sticking it out!) and if you do enjoy, or want to enjoy, submission in your play/relationships and you identify with what I have written in the post; I want you to do this one thing for yourself. Have an honest and deep look into yourself and answer these questions:
1. Are you an Alpha submissive out of choice/your natural persona and you find it easy and deeply fulfilling to submit to a Dominant person (regardless of gender)?
2. Has something happened in the past where you now overcompensate and employ coping mechanisms that present as a very strong need to control even though it’s not your natural persona (ie the persona you were before specific events in your past for eg trauma/relationship breakdown, abuse etc), and you struggle with the idea of submitting while still wanting it?
3. Are your ‘walls’ virtually impenetrable, thus you present like an Alpha submissive but deep down you just fear emotional vulnerability – but would like to not fear emotional vulnerability and form a fulfilling relationship (regardless of gender)?
If you answered Yes to question 1 but not 2 and 3 – brilliant! If you answered Yes to 2 and/or 3 and IF you want to explore how to change this in your life – contact me for a free/no-obligation discussion of what we can do together to help you overcome your issues as I have extensive experience in rapid change work in the area of the self.
You can also contact me for a copy of an ebook I have written covering topics such as trauma/wounding, schemas, coping vs healing, case studies of clients I’ve worked with, how the deeper aspects of the subconscious work to perpetuate unhealthy ‘life traps’ (which often poison relationships!) and what can be done about it directly with me. It’s my passion to help people grow and help them overcome their obstacles.
Hope you enjoyed the read – stay kinky and play safe!